★★★★★ BEST MASSAGE BEHIND THE GAS STATION ★★★★★
100%
REAL
PLACE!
WALK-INS
PROBABLY
WELCOME

HEY BUDDY—

OH SHIT,
YOU HURTING?

YOU LOOKING FOR SHIT? WE GOT HANDS.

Affordable-ish massage from trained-ish professionals. Come in sore. Leave with a story.

SHOW ME PRICES ↓
NO JUDGMENT ✦ STRONG HANDS ✦ WEIRD HOURS ✦ BACK DOOR ENTRANCE ✦ NO JUDGMENT ✦ STRONG HANDS ✦ WEIRD HOURS ✦

YOUR POSSIBLE MATCHES

MEET THE MASSEUSES.

All certified by somebody. Selection is completely random, deeply unfair, and legally binding.

ROXIE WENCO, THE HOT ONE01
THE HOT ONE

ROXIE WENCO

FAVORITE POSITION TO MASSAGE:
Face down, cash up.
FAVORITE BODY PART TO MASSAGE:
Glutes. Purely professional.
HARDEST PART OF THE JOB:
Pretending not to notice the eye contact.
BRITT KNEE, THE SMART ONE02
THE SMART ONE

BRITT KNEE

FAVORITE POSITION TO MASSAGE:
Advanced study-hall stretch.
FAVORITE BODY PART TO MASSAGE:
Shoulders. Extra credit for traps.
HARDEST PART OF THE JOB:
Keeping the glasses from fogging up.
HELGA SLAPP, THE LAST RESORT03
THE LAST RESORT

HELGA SLAPP

FAVORITE POSITION TO MASSAGE:
Pinned firmly to the table.
FAVORITE BODY PART TO MASSAGE:
Whatever is complaining the loudest.
HARDEST PART OF THE JOB:
The paperwork after somebody taps out.

THE ENTIRE MENU

PICK YOUR PROBLEM.

↘
👊
01

DEEP TISSUE

WE GET IN THERE.

$991 HOUR
🫠
02

SWEDISH

OIL. SLIDING. NICE.

$1491 HOUR
PEOPLE KEEP ASKING
😏
03

HAPPY ENDING

PRICE VARIES. ASK INSIDE.

???PER SESSION

* HAPPY ENDING PRICE DEPENDS ON ATTITUDE, WEATHER, AND GENERAL VIBES. DO NOT ASK ON THE PHONE.

★★★★★
“I came in unable to move.
Now I can’t make eye contact.”

— ACTUAL CUSTOMER, ALLEGEDLY

WHY WENCO?

  • ✓ LIGHTS ARE MOSTLY WORKING
  • ✓ FRESH TOWELS ON TUESDAYS
  • ✓ ABSOLUTELY A REAL BUSINESS
  • ✓ PARK AROUND BACK